I dreamed

I came home from somewhere, my mother was pregnant, and my parents had built a new ell to their house, and they moved there. There were two storeys, and there were two rooms, above each other, where the floor was slanting. I asked, why did they bulit a slanting floor, and they told me it's beacuse the master builder. He was a friend of ours, living in our neighbourhood, some streets away. The answer meant, that he either was lazy to dig out the fondament, so he placed the floor on the splanting ground, or that he thought, this is the best solution for our new house.
It seemed, that my parents already accepted the case. We were busy taking care of my mother, who was very close to give birth. There was only one day left till the day, what was appointed by the doctor. Her stomach was huge, and we were afraid to touch it, for fear of that it would start the process of birthgiving. She went to bed, and I knew, it's the last night before she will be taken to the hospital, to give birth.

Extracts from a letter - two

"Lord! we know what we are, but know not what we may be."

When Hamlet meets his mother, he is very distant with her. The queen even asks him: "Have you forgot me?" Hamlet encounters a woman in the queen, who is very different from the image, of what he had about his mother in the past.
A mother is one, who brought us up, and who we are mostly very strongly related to, she is a fundamental role-model in our lives. All what we consider as our own principles about how to behave, are some way derived from our parent's example, either because we have accepted their rules and oppignions or because we are fighting against them, and we counter with them.
When a mother contradicts the principles, what she handed over to us, a threat appears on the horizon of our ideology. I chose to live my life this certain way, and the person, who I based my knowledge on, abandons the values, what she have thaught to me.
Hamlet does not want to accept a new mother. He wants to show her, what she was before, he wants to confront her with herself in the past.

"You go not, till I set you up a glass where you may see the inmost part of you."

This glass, this mirror is Hamlet himself. He wants to play the role of the queen in past to make it possible for her to meet herself.
He has the white hope, that all those principles, which Gertrude once beleived in, and which were once confessed loud by her, have the possibility to change her back.

He thinks, that the queen long-time ago, wouldn't accept the present queen. He has the responsibility to confront these two persons, for he is the only one, who carries the queen's once lived personality.

To meet a person who is very close to you, who is so close , that is actually you yourself, and who does not accept you - is painful. Hamlet thinks he has a reason to cause this pain.
Gertrude cries for help.

Extracts from a letter - one

We are strongly rooted in our biological origins. We used to live in tribes, and there existed a competition of proportions of organ sizes, a competion of power. The male who had bigger muscles, was the stronger, and was the one who could fuck the female. But he didn't only get the access to sexaul acts, but with his power he became the leader of the tribe, he got the possibility to obtain fair enough nutriment, and to enjoy the security of self-defense from enemies either by escaping fast enough, or by defeating the other with power surplus. Power and sizes were the only existing values in fact.
Today we consider ourselves more wise, to know power is not all, moreover is not the only quality which one can charm a woman with. But the fundamental competion remained among our relationships, as proof of our values. And thank to our roots; one who is questioned in his sexuality is questioned in his whole identity.
This is what everybody knows, this is why all the junk mails, the spams, which I receive each day, are trying to get at me at my most vulnerable point, my sexual achievement. This is why they offer solution to all the possible problems, which I might have. I could enhance my performance, if I would have early ejaculation, if I would get off earlier, than the woman does, I'm with; I could make my penis become longer, if I wouldn't fulfil my partner with the lenght of my sexual organ, if she would have a lack of sexual plesure in the depths of her vagina, or she wouldn't be satisfied with the visual appereance of my sexual tool; and I could get help with making my penis standing firm and stiff, full of blood coming into it, if I would have problems with erecting it in intimate moments. All messages I receive from my unknown well-wishers are trying to help me in being able to fulfil better and better my partner's desires. Would I enjoy sex, if I would have a longer dick? No, she is the one, who might achieve higher plesure. Do I not get fulfiled, when I reach orgasm earlier, than my partner? No, I've gone all the way, she is the one who has a lack of fulfilment. What all these messages imply, is that I am the one, who gains through becoming better in giving plesure, that I am better person, if I cause higher plesure to my partner. The idea is of course not the invention of the authors of the messages, it is my biological definiteness what they are building upon.

I dreamed

I am coming home from Romania, I was at the train station in Cluj Napoca, which was a long - long line of continuous platforms, some stairs, pedestrian bridges, and ticket offices; all very rusty and grey. I was with some people, friends, I don't remember exactly who. They stayed at the other end of this long unforeseeable platform-series, I went to buy tickets maybe for our trip. We were heading to Hungary, the strange thing, I don't remember, I was thinking about this trip as a return. I had some kind of feeling, that I know all, what is around me, I am familiar with it. I heard some Romanian talking in the speakers, and than a lady started to inform in Hungarian about the train to Hungary. She didn't just speak Hungarian, but she spoke about all the towns and lands in Romania which the train was going through using their Hungarian names, and mentioning the historical background of them, how some Hungarians talk about it, among each other. It was a feeling, that not just the language had change, but also the information, which is given on different languages. Since it's a sensitive issue in the relation of the two countries, and the official Romanian oppignion is different than the Hungarian one, I was wondering, why is she doing this, how does she dare to provoke, what can be her reason, and how is it possible, that she is allowed to talk like this in the speakers of the train station.
Even thaugh it was in Hungarian.
As if it would be only understood by Hungarians. I was suprised.
But I also got to know from her speech, that I won't have time to get back to my platform till the train will start off.

Twenty-fifth note

Yesterday an evening in theatre on my own, in the studio of Katona József Theatre. I did not wish to have any company. But what am I saying, of course I had many compagnions, we were sitting shoulder to shoulder packed up in a small place, and I even met some people I know, some actresses from Transylvania, who I had seen in a performance directed by a friend, Pali, a girl, who I have been playing togheter with in a scene this June, on the street in a festival. Moreover I was sitting by an actor from the ex Chalk Circle Company, even he does not know me.
I have seen an estimated performance, which I wanted to see since a long time. It had its premier more than 3 years ago. It is based upon Franz Kafka's novel: The Trial. They chose a different title: Ledarálnakeltűntem - which is one sentence written in one word, the translation would be: IamrettledoffIhavedisapperead.
A theatre of nonsense, scenes and actions come after each other without any kind of logical reasons for the first sight. Anything can happen, after anything. To use this theatre language in adapting Kafka, is an amazing discovery.
The space is genial, when the performance starts, you see it's a narrow and long corridor, what you are sitting in, and after a few minutes they open a door at the back, and than you discover it is an extremly long corridor, and the end is far-far away from you. In the intermission, we had to go through this space and we could realize they even opened the back door and used the foyer of the theatre. And there is a mirror at the end, so it can even look neverending. Like the process of the trial, in Kafka's novel.
The actors often do hard work with their bodies and their concetration, extrem jumps, falls, dances, acrobatics, text-improvisation.
But after a while, I got bored, and i had the feeling the same effect is repeated and repeated. The creators selected out very few phenomens, and put them into definite theatrical effects, and used them several times. Many many times, it finally became a 2,5 hours performance. I had the feeling, I expect something more complex view upon the world from a theatre-piece.

Twenty-fourth note

Two headlines from Hungarian newspaper articles, published since the end of our workshop:

A certificate merite was awarded to the film of Csaba Bollók: Iska's Journey on the Freistad Filmfestival in Austria for the courage of the film in impacting with the stubborn facts, and for the acting accomplishment of Mária Varga playing the main role. (1st of September)

Hungary will be represented by Csaba Bollók's movie in the Oscar nominating process of best foreign language films. (5th of September)

"How beauteous!"