Letter

Sixth note

Thanks for the performance, which we made together.
You said, in a year, maybe we will smile on it. I hope we will, I hope we will have the possibility to smile together. On the same space, in the same time.
I would like to write some things, about this performance later. Sometimes, during our preparation it was extremly hard. So I would like to get closer to the reasons, what made it hard. And to find what can I, and maybe what can we, or anybody profit from it.
But right now, there are more important things. Let's not talk about theater for long while.
Have a very very nice journey.
I'm crossing my fingers for you.
Or I can say, I will pray for you.
If you have time and possibilities, read sometimes this blog.
Bye.

Fifth note

How can one be happy?
Having a goal in his life?
And if he never reaches his goal?
What is important, the reaching or the fighting for it?
Relationships are important. But can one be happy without an exclusive (man - woman) relationship? How can he share than all his life, from who can he expect acceptance?
Can he find total acceptance?
Or can one be happy, without someone's total acceptance?
Or from the other point of view; can one share totally himself with several persons? Or is it possible with only one?

These are real questions for me right now. I haven't got answers for them.
I have to admit, I feel very lonely.

Fourth note

I'm wondering a lot, how you feel in Budapest.
You sit a lot in front of my computer. One does this, when he hasn't got better things to do.
In this city I have things to do, I have friends to meet. I have places to visit.
Our knowledge is not equal about the place.
As you mentioned to Attila yesterday; we came back to our lives, what we were living before, and you are on your journey.
You are on your way, to the place where you are going, I would say.
Nevertheless, I wouldn't say I am at home.
Yet.
But I am very happy, that you meet the life, what I was living before going to Denmark. The house where I've been brought up, some of my friends. My parents. My christian groups. The streets, where I've been walking. Alma.

Third note

I can imagine, that after a while it gets annoying, when I compare you, with Kálmán. Maybe I was joking with it too much, sorry. (It's interesting that in English, the word 'you' starts with a small y, and 'I' is a capital letter. Marguerita was always changing the orthography of these two words; she wrote You, and i, and very often I also write You with capital Y, but here, in this text, I would like to keep the traditional orthography.)
Of course there are some similarities. And if you focus on them, of course you can recognize them from time to time. And it is interesting to see some people, who you know, but they don't know each other, and who are familiar a little bit.
But there are very big differences of course. One of these is, that you ask questions, which I appreciate a lot in you.
Both of you speaks a lot to me, and both of you likes to share his experiences. I am happy, that I can be a witness of your thoughts, I am grateful for you, even if sometimes I get tired of listening.
You Tarjei, have the speacial quality of the equal balance between sharing thoughts and listening. You can listen too me as long as you are speaking too me. I feel that you give the same seriousness to my message, what you give to your owns. I think that's a big gift.

Second note

I had an idea today, how we are going to continue with Kerek a káposzta (Round Cabbage), our performance with Anikó.
On one hand I would like to continue performing it, because, it was succesful, we had audience, and people keep asking, when are we going to show it again.
But on the other hand, if we would do it the same way, as we used to a year ago, it wouldn't be inspiring for me.
I remember in the last times, when I used to play with LEGO, I was only interested in creating some buildings, little towns maybe, but I didn't really play with them afterwards. I feel sometimes similar interest with the performances, which I am directing. The process of creation is interesting, and some performances (the first ones) are interesting, but than, when we are ready, a new subject needs to take away my interest.
You know, I would like to find forms and ways of making theatre, when something is not just an imitation on stage, but it really happens.
I think I am still far from this, but I'm on the way.
If something really happens, we really do something. Otherwise it is only talking about something.
For me these two games with the bottle, what we have played lately (one, which I didn't participate after our workshop in my grandparents appartment, and the other, what we played in Transylvania, on that very special and bizarr place, near that hunted house) were very interesting experinces. I wouldn't call them absolutly positive experiences, but I am very glad, that I had them.
I thought that in Kerek a káposzta we will make the audience sit in a circle. And we will play a bottle game with them. We will do what the one, whom the bottle is pointing at, asks us to do. I don't want the whole performance to be improvised. I want some structures, which are ready, when the show begings, but I want a lot if things to be decided there, right at the time, when the performance is happening. We have to find the best form for this, with Anikó.

First note

I wanted to give you a present for your journey. But I wanted to give you something which does not have really weight, or maybe not material at all. Not to make your package more heavy, and not to make you take care of more and more stuff.

It happens with me a lot of times, when we have a conversation, that I can not tell a thought, which I would like to, sometimes because, we both have to many ideas connected to one topic, so I feel, I need to select from them to be able to tell some of them, and sometimes I am not able to express exactly what I wanted to.

And it also happens, that something happens with me, or I have some thoughts and ideas which I would like to share with you, when you are not there (or at least this was my experience in the period between I departed from the school and you arrived to Kishantos this August).
As you have experienced, I am not good in writting letters.
I still owe Olga and you a little report about my experiences in Odin Theatre.
So these are reasons why I want to start to write you a log-book on internet.
A log-book (according to my dictionary) is a collection of notes what you are writting when you are sailing.
I don't want to write a diary on the net. And I don't want to write a diary for you.
A diary for me is a text, which I write for myself.
And I cannot promise, that I will write here at least a note each day, or each week or anything.
I can only promise I will write here, when I will feel the need to tell you something.
When there is something which is necessary to mention in the log-book.
And it is open, there is no password, so anyone can read it. I am writting to you things, which can be interesting maybe to read for other people aswell. This is also a motivation, I think.